The Wisdom of a Child

I never said anything, but I missed my son Padraig's birthday last month. My children were quite literally taken from me in the middle of the night (well, over Labor Day Weekend) as my ex-wife closed up her home and drove to Omaha, Nebraska to live with her parents.

We were already in a long distance custody relationship, but I had found a way to afford a monthly visit since they were only 650 miles away and the drive was manageable. I was trying to give my boys a life and a pattern they could rely on. Then all four of us had the rug pulled out.

Charisa did this without saying anything to me, and in fact while pointedly telling my own boys that if they dropped any hints to me in the matter I would "do something bad and we [meaning her and them] would end up living on the streets." This is a direct quote from Padraig, my seven-year-old at the time (turned eight a week and a half ago), who did what he was told but didn't believe a word of it, as I'll explain later.

You see, I had applied for custody recently. I hadn't been by her house making any demands or anything (c'mon, I live in a different state), I hadn't been AWARDED anything in terms of a new custody arrangement, I had simply asked the court to review our situation. It's been over four years and both of our situations have changed so much since 2005, I figured it was time for a sit-down. Well, she blindsided me with some unfounded accusations regarding child support payments, and while I spent my time gathering evidence and writing responses about that (I was working "Pro Se") she left.

Looking back, I can now see little moments where my sons tried to say something. When their mom's mother ("Oma" as she is called) came to help with the move, 11-year-old Caelan called me and let me know. He was under oath not to say why she was there, so he began to say she was there to "visit and help us" and then his mom immediately made him hang up (even though it was on his own phone that I bought him). I should have known that it was an unusual call--he made it at 6:00 AM.

Caelan also texted me the day they left, though again I didn't understand it at the time. On September 5th I got two messages--"Caelan loves dad:-)" and "Bye:-)". We text each other often, so I thought again they were innocent. It wasn't until a phone conversation I had with an ex-neighbor of hers the next day (Sept. 6) that I began to put together the idea that she might be planning a move, but by then (I would later learn) it was too late.

Returning to Padraig. When I say he did what he was told but didn't believe a word of it, I mean he kept quiet because he was told to, and he was told I would do "something bad" if he said anything to me, but as soon as we spoke on the phone after they arrived in Omaha (I called her mom's house before she was ready to tell me, chagrining them both it seemed), he told me everything and when I asked him simply what he thought I would have done he shouted to the whole room, "Dad wouldn't have done anything!"

Morgan wanted to say the most, I think, because in the days leading up to their move whenever it was "his turn" on the phone with me he would go off by himself somewhere, a couple of times to climb trees. But they are good boys and they honor their mother. He stuck to talking about video games, and in fact kept calling me on his own to ask if I would replace a Gameboy of his that he lost. Looking back now, that is the kind of thing you pack for a trip.

I will put my best foot forward in this situation, but right now I remain officially unemployed, on disability, and Omaha is 1,591 miles away. I'm not going to be able to get to see them as often as I used to, not even by plane. When I told Caelan, he cried; that was something that wasn't explained about the move.

Morgan continues his record of profound statements; he is getting frustrated with of all of this. The other day as we were on the phone, I asked him about the weather, I think, and after telling me, he said he was tired of "making things up," of "just talking about stuff," and "not really talking." I instantly knew what he meant. The boy is nine years old, but he gets it, and I said so.

I agreed with him that there is a big difference between talking on the phone every once in a while and seeing someone every day to hug and love and talk to and really talk about their day. I said THAT was the better way to get to know people. He said "Yeah." I told him I missed him and I had tried to be there for him, but that still wasn't my call, and maybe someday it would be.

But he is so right. It isn't just a boyfriend/girlfriend cliche'. Long distance relationships don't work. Anybody who says they can make it work has never been in one. Or never had one forced upon them.

And yes, I know, everything I just wrote flies in the face of my "No Comment" entry, but I have to get these feelings down somewhere (see "Journals Vs. Blogs" part 3).